Family Search 52 Stories Week 14

Tomorrow is Mother's Day, so of course I needed a writing prompt based on moms for today's post.

How would you describe your relationship with your mother - either now or in the past?

As mentioned in the last post, my mom and I were very close. That may be because I was the baby of the family, or maybe we were alike in personality and temperament. Whatever the reason, I loved spending time with her. She taught me how to sew, and tried teaching me to knit and crochet. The last two didn't catch on with me, however. She was an extremely talented bowler and golfer, and was quite an artist - more skills that did not pass on to me.

She made friends easily and had a wonderful sense of humor, which I think helped her survive a marriage that wasn't always smooth. My dad had a short temper, and being around him at times was like walking on eggshells. But mom was somehow able to laugh things off, usually.

My mom tried her best to attend my softball games in junior high, and my marching events and plays when I reached high school. She didn't always have a car, but when she did she was there for me. I brought her up to Iowa State for a mother's weekend that my dorm planned, and she had such a blast! She had never been able to attend college herself, so she was thrilled to get a little taste of it.

all my family in 1978

We enjoyed working together while planning my wedding, and she helped me modify a dress pattern so that I could make my own wedding dress. She crocheted all the lace for the dress, patterning it off the design on the veil she and I had scored on the clearance rack at Younkers for the bargain price of $7.50! That was 1/10 the price it was originally marked. She also made the dress for the junior bridesmaid and the vests for the two ring bearers.

Mom was the one who advised me not to rush into having kids. She told me we should enjoy each other as a couple, travel and get established in our jobs, because once the kids came along things would change. She and dad, like most people of their generation, immediately started their families once they got married. Maybe it was easy for her to say that because my older siblings had already supplied her with five grandchildren by the time we got married. 

Andy and mom 1985

When I had Andy, our first baby, she and dad drove over to help out, which was a godsend as I developed an all over rash post-delivery that necessitated a trip to the dermatology department of a research hospital, biopsies and a regimen of prednisone. They took care of the baby while I fought that weird postpartum skin disorder.

Andy was only four when mom died, and she never got to meet her namesake, Kathryn. I felt, and still feel, cheated. Cheated out of my time with her, and so incredibly sad that her grandchildren never got to know this vibrant, funny woman who gave me not only life and a sense of humor, but also my sense of who I am.

Family Search 52 Stories Week 2

It's the second week of January, so that means it's time for my 52 Stories post. Here is the question I selected for week 2, though you will notice that they have again slipped a second question onto this one:
If you are past your child-rearing years, how have you adjusted to life as an empty-nester? What advice do you have for others who are entering this stage of their lives?

We have a son and daughter, and up until 1997 I worked full-time outside the home at MOMEDICO while doing the accounting and some marketing for our business, Organic Resource Management, Inc. at night and on the weekends. In the fall of 1997, our youngest was going to be entering first grade and we needed to make a decision about child-care before and after school for the two kids as it would no longer make sense to have a full-time nanny coming to our home. MOMEDICO had been purchased by a company in Alabama, and it was pretty clear that big changes were going to be made, including down-sizing due to duplicate positions. I had been with the company for 15 years, and was the Vice President of Marketing and Risk Management - the first female to make V.P. Taking everything into account, we decided that I would quit work and focus on my ORMI responsibilities, which I could do from a home office.

Working from home allowed me for the first time to be a room mother, a scout leader and the opportunity to sign up for more field trips with the kids. I could also pursue my passions for writing, genealogy, photography and house history research. I bring all this up to illustrate the fact that while my children were a huge part of my life, they didn't define my life. There were a lot of activities and interests I took part in that did not involve my kids.

Los Angeles

Our daughter graduated from high school in 2009, and finished college in the spring of 2012. She ended her college coursework with a session in Los Angeles, fell in love with the city, and decided that is where she wanted to work. I helped her drive out there in April of that year, staying long enough to see her settled in her first, very own apartment. A moving company delivered her larger belongings shortly thereafter. Empty nest, empty basement! I blogged about the experience of becoming an empty nester in 2012, and you can find that post here.

For me, becoming an empty nester has not been a big adjustment. Perhaps part of that stems from the fact that both of our kids went away to college, which somewhat prepared me for them not being home all the time. But I think the big reason is that my life, while it very much involved my kids, did not revolve around them. The organizations I belonged to, the activities I participated in, the friends I had - those all remained even when the kids moved away.

Similarly, my husband and I did not let parenthood define who we were/are. While we enjoyed our activities and travels as a family, we always made sure there was time for just the two of us as well. We accompanied each other on fun business trips, and also took some short breaks as a couple.

In many ways it is hard for me to relate to parents who cry and are depressed when their kids move out of the house. To me it is the circle of things - we began as a family of two, raised the kids to be independent and successful in their own right, and now we are back to our family of two. I discussed this in a blog post I wrote back in 2013. "Give Them Wings so They Can Fly" is one of my most popular posts, and you can read it here.

My tips for enjoying the empty nest (from my perspective of a 38 year marriage)  include:
- have a life outside of your kids, whether that is volunteering, exploring hobbies, or maintaining friendships
- don't neglect your relationship with your spouse, because the kids will be gone someday and it will be just the two of you again
- embrace the uniqueness of interacting with grown, independent children
- look for new opportunities in your personal and professional life

family love

I can truly say that I have enjoyed the different stages of parenthood, with all of their assorted trials and tribulations. But the empty nester stage has many positives and very few drawbacks. You'll have a whole new connection with your kids while rekindling your bond with the person who helped you become a parent.

Give Them Wings So They Can Fly

The BlogHer writing prompt today is about roots and wings. Here is what is says: "The original quote about giving children roots and wings referred to the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence. Does that change your understanding of the quote?" It would be interesting to find out where BlogHer came up with the information about the quote, which reads "There are two things we should give our children: one is roots and the other is wings." A Google search resulted in the quote being attributed to Hodding Carter, a Pulitzer prize-winning journalist from Louisiana, though a Wikipedia site states that the quote was borrowed from Reverend Henry Ward Beecher. I didn't find anything to substantiate this online. But whoever first said it, the words are good ones to parent by.

I have always interpreted the saying to mean that we must first create an environment in which our children  feel loved and accepted in order for them to become self-assured and independent. Those roots help them build a firm foundation on which to build the rest of their lives - a foundation that will support them even when they take off to pursue their own dreams. My husband and I like to joke that we were either really crappy parents, because our son moved to the East coast following college graduation and our daughter moved to the West coast when she graduated, or we were successful in raising two kids who are confident enough to live so far from home, allowing their own new roots to grow. I hope that it is the latter!

Below is a poem I came across in my Internet search this morning. It did not cite an author, but here is a link to the page where I found it.
 

Roots & Wings

 

If I could give you many things,

I'd give you gold and silver rings

Of knowledge that I've gained with years

The gift of smiling through the tears

Confidence, courage, determination,

Laughter and spirit and love of creation,

Wrapped up in a box with a bow, I'd give

To you these gifts to keep for as long as you live. 

"If I could give you just two things,

One would be Roots, the other, Wings."

Roots, not to tie you to the ground,

But to guide you to where your fulfillment is found

The nourishing start, the firm foundation,

The source of your inner determination.

Wings to soar over obstacles, wings to fly free,

Wings to glide to the heights of the best you can be.

And when obstacles loom, from your Roots grows a hand

Providing a strong, sturdy,safe place to land.

I'd choose these two things for the gifts that are best,

For with Roots and with Wings, you'll find all the rest!